So, I have been working my second job, 17-29 hours a week, and to be honest, I really haven’t made any extra progress on paying bills off or increasing my savings. It does keep me from using my credit cards, or at least I can pay them off completely if I do use them, but why aren’t I using the extra money to pay on my loan? If I really want children I know I have to be getting close to $15,000 put back just to cover costs for embryo implantation. So why am I spending my entire second job’s salary for the year on a trip to Israel? Why am I contemplating building a barn once I am out of school instead of building a baby? It really makes me question myself. Am I just sabotaging myself or is there a part of me that doesn’t want a child and that part is winning?
Mostly I think that as much as I want a child, I’m just not sure that I can or should do it alone. And if there is a Mr. Right out there for me, it appears that the timing is still not right.
The holidays are so hard for me. As much as I love my family, I see my nieces and nephews growing up so quickly, and it reminds me what I have missed out on. I get to go to each event alone and go home alone. And I wonder if this is punishment for something that I’ve done, or for all the years when I didn’t want to get married. After all, this is what I wanted then. How do I beg forgiveness? And even if I obtain it, it still doesn’t turn the clock back the ten years that would give me back my fertile years. Really, I need a do over for the last 28 years. And that’s not going to happen.
So I keep working almost 70 hour weeks while going to school part-time, knowing that my future is pretty bleak. Perhaps the barn instead of the baby is because goat keeping is a more sure thing. It is the easier path. It is something that I want, but I really want it all: the goats, the husband, and the children. Traveling instead of paying off bills is because I feel that if I don’t travel now, it may never happen.
And perhaps I should not be psychoanalyzing myself!