Ole' Missouri

These are attributed to Jeff Foxworthy. I’m acquainted with Missouri and have to say that many are dead on!

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Missouri. Yep, it happens.

If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Missouri. Also happens.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Missouri. Guilty!

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Missouri. Yes- I’m actually related by marriage to one. And it was more than once in the same year.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you may live in Missouri. Guilty.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Missouri. No. I’m not that stupid.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Missouri. True dat.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Missouri. This is probably not a good place to admit or deny this one. . .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Missouri. I do carry them but I’m too scared to use them. . .

If everyone in your family has been on a "float trip." you may live in Missouri. Actually no. But’s that has more to do with my conservative upbringing than anything else.

If the phrase “I’m going to the Lake this weekend” has only one meaning, and everyone knows what you're talking about, you may live in Missouri. Lake of the Ozarks.

If "Down South" means Arkansas and you know where Idiots Out Wandering Around are located, you might be from Missouri. Iowa. . .

If "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags, you might be from Missouri. Not personally.

If you ever rode a school bus over an hour each way, you might be from Missouri. Also not personally.

If you failed World Geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri (And they are mind you!), you might be from Missouri. They forgot Cairo. . .

If you had school classes canceled because of cold, You're probably from Missouri. If you had school classes canceled because of heat, You're probably from Missouri. In the same week!

If you can recognize whether another Missourian is from the Boot Heel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle or Western Missouri soon as they open their mouth, You're probably from Missouri. I do lack this ability.

If you know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney, George Washington Carver and Mark Twain are all from Missouri, Well... you guessed it.

If you know what "Home of the Throwed Roll" means! You're probably from Missouri. Lambert’s!

If you know what’s supposed to be “knee-high by the Fourth of July.” You're probably from Missouri. That would be corn.

If you pronounce Missouri with an “ah” at the end. You're probably from Western Missouri. Or a long time native.

If you think “deer season” is a national holiday. You're probably from Missouri. It’s not?

If you’ve ever said (or heard) “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” You're probably from Missouri. Said many times.

If you’ve seen people wear bib overalls to funerals. You're probably from Missouri. This happens!

If your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. You're probably from Missouri. Yeah. . .

If you've seen farmers stop work and remove their hat as a funeral passes by. You're probably from Missouri. And I love it!