Friday, October 16, 2015

No Lover, by Natalie Ray

Chuck Swindoll read this poem on today's "Insight for Living" radio broadcast. It--naturally--really struck a chord in me. I have crossed out the parts that don't apply to me (and make me all the more pathetic). Struggling with this right now. God is good--ultimately. But even in Pastor Swindoll's example, Joseph went through hell. Yes, what his brothers intended for evil, God was using to bring about the ultimate good for Jacob's family and, through them, the entire nation of Israel. And Joseph knew, trusted, believed that. It does not change the fact that Joseph's life sucked (forgive my French) for many, many years. It may have been good for Israel; that doesn't mean that it was good, personally, for Joseph. Yep, that's what I'm dealing with.

by Natalie Ray

No lover makes my kiss his quest,
No hand across the table reaches mine.
No precious baby nestles at my breast,
No one to need my body, where is the sign
That God my Father loves me? Surely He
Creates this wealth of love to over flow,
How can it be that none who wanted me
Has become mine?
Why did I tel them, "No?"

But do they really matter, all the Why's?
Could all the answers take away the pain,
Or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from
Heaven's Court? I weep again.
My God, You have saved me from Hell's black abyss;
So save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Where I am Thankful but Still Not Satisfied

Well, I suppose I should put blogging down as another thing that I am not that good at considering that January was my last post!

In other news, graduating, I did that! Quite a relief. And passing my test to be certified, I did that too! So progress has been made on my goals/dreams. I also forced myself to step outside my comfort zone and request a raise due to my newly graduated status. I truly did not expect anything to come of it, but I knew that I owed it to myself to ask. I was both somewhat right and somewhat wrong. I did not get a raise based on my graduation but I was given 50 percent of another employees duties and got a raise associated with that. Sadly, not enough that I can stop my second job. Oh, and I don’t think I had mentioned I have a third job now, too. It pays my student loans and a bit that often comes in handy when I have overspent.

So, two goals down. Barn? Well, I think I have moved up the timing in a way. I totaled my car earlier this year after working a 70+ hour week. I put part of the payout on my house/credit card loan so I shortened the time to when I can get another loan for the barn. Of course, now instead of having my car paid off in April 2016, I’ll be paying on the new one for another two years.
Baby? Some days I’m pretty sure that is just never going to happen. My 3rd out of 3 girl cousins just announced she also got pregnant while on birth control. Apparently we’re very fertile (or can’t follow directions?). But fertile genes still can’t overcome my male factor infertility. Pretty sure the only way I’ll ever have a child at this point is if $100,000 drops into my lap. Enough to pay for a double-donor program and some years of expenses since I can’t seem to scrape together enough—even with three jobs—to raise a child and, of course, I could not work three jobs while doing so. Which makes the fact that my pregnant cousin is somehow going to manage that working fast food and living in her boyfriend’s parent’s basement like a punch in the gut to me. Why does it seem that those who most want children can’t have them and those that don’t/aren’t ready for them get pregnant by accident?
Is it time for a different, more attainable goal? A masters, maybe? Sigh. And yet, I am thankful that I have the opportunity to get an education. I know so many who don’t. Of course, they also have a partner and can reproduce without needing $100,000. . .