What's Up With Me?

I’ve been silent and I’ve found that the more writing I do in classes, the less I feel the urge to write. I had a nightmare of a writing intensive class this summer as well as finishing up a self-paced class from last semester which involved writing. My third class did not involve as much writing, which was good because I was working 69 hours a week and I was starting to come up blank when it came to writing!

So, now that is over. Not too much writing this semester. I’ll be getting my math proficiency class and my last class for my religion emphasis completed. Then only five credits to graduation. I’d love for them to be an American Sign Language class and the accompanying lab, but I’m not sure that my advisor will consider that a humanity which is the last requirement I need to complete.

I’m still working on paying off bills, but amazingly, even though I was working 29 hours more a week, there doesn’t seem to be that much more money to put towards debt retirement. Those hours are currently cut down to 11.5. And the tentative plans I’m making for the barn and rebuilding my herd will put me right back into debt!

However, despite knowing that my goals of finishing college and rebuilding my herd are in reach, the desire for a baby is still there. I try to tell myself that they don’t stay babies. Babies grow up to be toddlers, middle-schoolers and teenagers, but I still want one.  I like knowing that California Conceptions is out there and that gives me 14 more years to toss this idea back and forth, but do I want to be 50 when I begin parenting? 

And small things are changing around me that are little hurts. The place I would have liked to (hypothetically) get married in is being renovated into office space and the courtyard I wanted to walk through afterwards on the way to the reception is being turned into an amphitheater. The area next to my house where I planned to build onto my house to provide a master bedroom and bedrooms for two children, my parents are planning to use for a garage. The world is moving on but I'm still standing still.

Why isn’t this easier? They say money won’t make you happy, but right now, I would really like to give it a try! I want to be debt free, have the herd, and have a baby simultaneously not have to choose among them for which ones are the most likely to be achievable.