No Lover, by Natalie Ray

Chuck Swindoll read this poem on today's "Insight for Living" radio broadcast. It--naturally--really struck a chord in me. I have crossed out the parts that don't apply to me (and make me all the more pathetic). Struggling with this right now. God is good--ultimately. But even in Pastor Swindoll's example, Joseph went through hell. Yes, what his brothers intended for evil, God was using to bring about the ultimate good for Jacob's family and, through them, the entire nation of Israel. And Joseph knew, trusted, believed that. It does not change the fact that Joseph's life sucked (forgive my French) for many, many years. It may have been good for Israel; that doesn't mean that it was good, personally, for Joseph. Yep, that's what I'm dealing with.

NO LOVER

by Natalie Ray

No lover makes my kiss his quest,

No hand across the table reaches mine.

No precious baby nestles at my breast,

No one to need my body, where is the sign

That God my Father loves me? Surely He

Creates this wealth of love to over flow,

How can it be that none who wanted me

Has become mine?

Why did I tel them, "No?"

But do they really matter, all the Why's?

Could all the answers take away the pain,

Or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from

Heaven's Court? I weep again.

My God, You have saved me from Hell's black abyss;

So save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!

Where I am Thankful but Still Not Satisfied

Well, I suppose I should put blogging down as another thing that I am not that good at considering that January was my last post!

In other news, graduating, I did that! Quite a relief. And passing my test to be certified, I did that too! So progress has been made on my goals/dreams. I also forced myself to step outside my comfort zone and request a raise due to my newly graduated status. I truly did not expect anything to come of it, but I knew that I owed it to myself to ask. I was both somewhat right and somewhat wrong. I did not get a raise based on my graduation but I was given 50 percent of another employees duties and got a raise associated with that. Sadly, not enough that I can stop my second job. Oh, and I don’t think I had mentioned I have a third job now, too. It pays my student loans and a bit that often comes in handy when I have overspent.

So, two goals down. Barn? Well, I think I have moved up the timing in a way. I totaled my car earlier this year after working a 70+ hour week. I put part of the payout on my house/credit card loan so I shortened the time to when I can get another loan for the barn. Of course, now instead of having my car paid off in April 2016, I’ll be paying on the new one for another two years.

Baby? Some days I’m pretty sure that is just never going to happen. My 3^rd out of 3 girl cousins just announced she also got pregnant while on birth control. Apparently we’re very fertile (or can’t follow directions?). But fertile genes still can’t overcome my male factor infertility. Pretty sure the only way I’ll ever have a child at this point is if $100,000 drops into my lap. Enough to pay for a double-donor program and some years of expenses since I can’t seem to scrape together enough—even with three jobs—to raise a child and, of course, I could not work three jobs while doing so. Which makes the fact that my pregnant cousin is somehow going to manage that working fast food and living in her boyfriend’s parent’s basement like a punch in the gut to me. Why does it seem that those who most want children can’t have them and those that don’t/aren’t ready for them get pregnant by accident?

Is it time for a different, more attainable goal? A masters, maybe? Sigh. And yet, I am thankful that I have the opportunity to get an education. I know so many who don’t. Of course, they also have a partner and can reproduce without needing $100,000. . .

Laugh for the Day

Are you ready to laugh? Remember how I said that I decided not to take the ASL class because I didn't have much contact with deaf people any more? Well, guess who is going to be trying to interpret the ladies Wednesday night Bible study? Yep, that would be me.

As with most things in my life, I love and have much interest in ASL, but lack any natural talent. Rather like piano. I love playing and took lessons for years. But I have no natural talent for it. Anything I can play is as the result of hard work. Truth is, at almost 38, I never have found my talent. Rather like my General Studies degree, I know a little about a lot of things and not much about anything.

So, I will be the one frantically looking up signs and trying to remember them all.

Happy New Year!!

I’m not very good at this am I? Still suffering from writing overkill from this past summer. I told my advisor I was done with papers; we had to find classes where I didn’t have to write papers. In fact, by the end of the semester, I was getting so burnt out that even though ASL was an option, I opted out. I would love to learn more, though I’m not sure there is any purpose to it. I no longer have much contact with deaf people and my wrist still get awfully sore from finger-spelling words I don’t know or words that don’t have signs. Anyway, I wimped out and went with 5 credits of computer classes. Two are just one weekend each. The other is a web building course and since I have built a few myself, I’m hoping that it won’t be too taxing.

Then graduation. Then my administrative professional certification. Then? My second job has had some ups and downs to it. And I basically get minimum wage for overnights. I need to find something else. Or maybe I need to find a new main job that will pay enough that I don’t have to work two jobs. I just enjoy where I work and hate to leave. Not sure that I can keep working two jobs while I wait for my supervisor to retire, though, and I still have no real guarantee that I would be promoted to her job.

Which puts any thoughts of barn building or baby making farther into the future. Sigh.

New Year’s Resolutions? I’ve never been a fan, but I do need to stop gaining weight (thank you hypothyroidism) so I’m exploring doing a different “way of eating” (not a diet!) every month to keep mixing it up on my metabolism. So far I’ve got two days of green smoothies for breakfast and no Mountain Dews in. I have given in to the caffeine headache and indulged in a small can of diet coke. Need to get rid of the belly, though I’ve amused myself in thinking, “This is how I’d feel pregnant”—except I will probably be one of those people who gain 100 lbs. while pregnant and never lose an ounce after the birth or while breastfeeding.

Wow, isn’t this post encouraging? Don’t you feel inspired? To redeem myself, below are some pictures that never fail to make me feel much better.

What's Up With Me?

I’ve been silent and I’ve found that the more writing I do in classes, the less I feel the urge to write. I had a nightmare of a writing intensive class this summer as well as finishing up a self-paced class from last semester which involved writing. My third class did not involve as much writing, which was good because I was working 69 hours a week and I was starting to come up blank when it came to writing!

So, now that is over. Not too much writing this semester. I’ll be getting my math proficiency class and my last class for my religion emphasis completed. Then only five credits to graduation. I’d love for them to be an American Sign Language class and the accompanying lab, but I’m not sure that my advisor will consider that a humanity which is the last requirement I need to complete.

I’m still working on paying off bills, but amazingly, even though I was working 29 hours more a week, there doesn’t seem to be that much more money to put towards debt retirement. Those hours are currently cut down to 11.5. And the tentative plans I’m making for the barn and rebuilding my herd will put me right back into debt!

However, despite knowing that my goals of finishing college and rebuilding my herd are in reach, the desire for a baby is still there. I try to tell myself that they don’t stay babies. Babies grow up to be toddlers, middle-schoolers and teenagers, but I still want one.  I like knowing that California Conceptions is out there and that gives me 14 more years to toss this idea back and forth, but do I want to be 50 when I begin parenting? 

And small things are changing around me that are little hurts. The place I would have liked to (hypothetically) get married in is being renovated into office space and the courtyard I wanted to walk through afterwards on the way to the reception is being turned into an amphitheater. The area next to my house where I planned to build onto my house to provide a master bedroom and bedrooms for two children, my parents are planning to use for a garage. The world is moving on but I'm still standing still.

Why isn’t this easier? They say money won’t make you happy, but right now, I would really like to give it a try! I want to be debt free, have the herd, and have a baby simultaneously not have to choose among them for which ones are the most likely to be achievable.

Happy No One Wanted You; You're Not a Mother's Day!

My Mother’s Day with my mom was wonderful. One of my siblings, their SO, and I made lunch (and we made sure not to leave a mess). It was a good day. But, it didn’t start out that great for me. By 8:05, I’d already been reminded TWICE that I wasn’t a mom, and probably never would be. About 7:45 the next care giver came to relieve me and I was asked, “Are you a mom?” I said “No”, with a very regretful face thinking that this would end this line of questioning. After all, according to the CDC, 10% of women in the US experience fertility issues. But she didn’t take the hint. “Well, your biological clock is ticking.” Thanks for that! I replied, “It has already gone off” and walked out the door. I rushed to make it to church only a few minutes late and was greeted at the door, “Are you a mother?” “No,” I said, with the same regretful face. “Well, have a happy Mother’s Day, anyway.” While this is a slightly better response, coming on top of the earlier conversation, I was reeling. When the pastor mentioned “umbrella of protection”, even in passing, I was about ready to walk out and declare this day a loss before it even reached 9:00 am.

On another note, one year from this Saturday, I should finally be graduating with my bachelor's degree. Sometimes I feel that I am getting farther and farther from someday becoming a mother (through embryo donation or adoption) rather than making any progress towards that even being a possibility. Graduation will definitely be a positive step.